I did not have the energy to drive to New Jersey to see my friends there, but I flew to DC to see my closest friend. We threw a party together and she made us “twin shirts”.  I feel so blessed to have her in my life.

December 5, 2009

Dear family and friends,

I do not like radiation.  For something you have to do 5 days a week, for 6 weeks it is pretty humiliating, fast but humiliating.  It is like an X-Ray, but the machine moves around you while you are lying, half naked, with your arms over your head on a table.  The humiliating part, for me anyway, is the being moved into the right position.  I have tiny tattoos on my body that they line up with laser lights in the room and a projected measuring screen coming from the device.  Using rulers and the tattoos, they move you around until you are in just the right spot, obviously this is very important, but I don’t like it.  I did ask that men not be assigned this task, other than one very gay and overly happy man who makes it pass quickly with his chatter.  Everyone adored Ryan.

The other problem is waiting your turn.  Some days I am in and out of there in half an hour, other days, like yesterday, an hour and a half.  I haven’t had any side effects other than being very tired, no sunburn or soreness, so I am lucky.  I am done Dec 31, so I can start the New Year and new decade fresh. (What are they going to call this past decade, you know how they say, “from the 70′s, 80′s, 90′s” and the ???)

My hair is slowly coming in.  Most of time I go hat-less.  My very first time in the MGH Cancer Center a woman came to class and yanked off her hat to reveal her bald head.  I was so impressed with her sense of confidence, that I do the same.  Recently a woman told me she thought I was so brave for going hat-less, she was now going to be brave too and no longer feel like she must hide her baldness. So we just pass that sense of freedom from one person to another. I figure if you can’t show your bald head in the Cancer Center, then where can you?

I did lose many of my eyelashes, which I did not discover until I tried to

apply mascara.  After throwing out two mascara tubes, because I thought they were old and no longer working, I checked my eyes; the mascara was fine, I was the one with the problem. I also lost several toe nails.  Nobody talks about this weird side effect of chemo, but you can lose your nails too.  I am thankful to have all my finger nails.

I still walk everyday and am working on my yoga at home.  I take Pilattes, strength training and QiQong through the MGH Cancer Center.  I see a nutritionist to help me lose the 20 pounds I gained, another wonderful side effect of the type of chemo used for breast cancer
I maybe in the DC area over Christmas, but I am not sure.  I hope everyone else had a nice Thanksgiving.  At the request of the guests, I wore a different wig with each course.  I have a black, blond and blue wig. It was funny.

Love to all,

Christine

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I can see how the radiation treatments you describe would be trying on ones sense of self and boundaries.  This too shall pass.  Glad to hear the hair is growing back. Enjoy the wigs and easy morning routine while you can.  As odd as it may seem I miss that part of the journey.  Bald, but with a good reason meant nothing but make up to deal with after a shower and the fun of picking hair or hat to match my mood and outfit.  But it is good to be getting back into real life again. Be well, M

M -Did you notice I wrote about you!  I didn’t realize you were such an inspiration until this woman came up to me.  Thanks for the gift of not being ashamed.  Yes, I love being able to take a shower and be out the door in ten minutes.  It used to take 20+++.
Christine

I thought that might be me. Just so you know, that was an intentional not accidental gift.  I saw you were starting the journey and wanted to show you that it was doable.  I too remember the beautiful young woman who walked in to art therapy sans hair or hat a week or so before I was to lose my hair.  I had to ask her to forgive me for staring, but I so wanted to get an inkling of what to expect.  She was incredibly gracious.  She gave me hope that I could do it too.  The gift will be passed from woman to woman till it is needed no longer.  I can also still see the woman who were in the waiting room before I had the mammogram and sonogram that confirmed that what I felt was not good.  They were survivors and friends of survivors.  They were, despite the cancer that had touched their lives, strong, happy, beautiful women who supported one another. M

M – It is nice to be part of that club.  Hear about it, never believed in it, but it is so true.  You see the same people in the waiting room every day for radiation.  I heard you get to know the people who getting treatment when you do, never thought that was true either, but it makes it much nicer to see happy faces when you come in. The whole thing is not so bad, yet another adventure.

Thank you for the gift, it means lots! – Christine

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Kudos for you for going hatless, however, be sure you cover up in the cold weather….. There is a reason you put little hats on babys!  Stay warm.

Thanks for the update. It sounds hard and unpleasant, but I admire how you are handling it – with spunk and determination. Way to GO!

glad to hear from you…stay strong, as always, and funny.

busy busy w/finals, but thinking of u!

Received your update and wish I could do more to help, but am sending as much positive energy your way as possible!

I like the mascara story the best.

‘hang’ in there

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December 9, 2009

Dear family and friends,

Okay, picture this:  five women lying on the floor covered in blankets, very relaxed.  That was today’s meditation class.  For my support group/class at the MGH Mind Body Center I have to mediate daily.  I am terrible at it.  I can’t relax, my mind wanders etc.  I saw someone meditate lying on the ground in another class; so I thought I would give it a try.  The instructor covered me up in a blanket so I won’t get cold.  Everyone who came in after me decided to give it a try too.

The Cancer Center has become a way of life.  I love my classes and more importantly the people in them are fun.  We laugh often at our lack of coordination, our weird hair that is growing in many colors at different speeds — what I call the calico cancer head — and the other oddities of our lives.  The radiation waiting room is now a place full of familiar happy faces both staff and patients.  We whine and laugh while we wait with our strange hair and hospital gowns.  A man was staring at me today with a big smile, it took me awhile to realize he wanted to chat too.  When he left he said happily, “See you tomorrow!”  I remember the long faces when we started and try to tell the new sad faces that is does get easier.  Ryan, my favorite radiation technician, came and sat with me in the waiting room to help me get past the initial discomfort.  Everyone thinks Ryan is wonderful.

I think I will remember these happy moments when I look back at this experience.  I will thank God for all the wonderful people in my life that made this easier.  Everyone on this list has provided me with a feeling of warmth and comfort, thank you.  I know only good things are to come.

Peace and Joy to all,

Christine

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What a wonderful message. You are truly an inspiration to find spirituality in all of this.

Keep strong

Hang in there – you are almost done and ready for a New Year!
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December 17

Dear family and friends,

I have three more radiation treatments and then five “electron burst” treatments. My skin is now burned and I need to wear clean bandages and ointment under my sports bra to reduce irritation.  My stomach is upset and I am weak. Things are not great at the moment.

Love to all,

Christine

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Follow the link below to read the next chapter in my personal journey…

• Recovery – January 2010 – Present

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