New Year's Eve in DC -- very tired
Recovery was by far the most difficult part of the cancer treatment journey. Old demons returned to haunt me. I continually faced new challenges.
I took my suitcase to my last radiation session and went from the hospital to the airport. It was New Year’s Eve and my friend planned a big party. I was weak, but happy to celebrate the New Year. I also saw my son, and my brother’s family. Seeing my son was wonderful; he is in college and lives with his dad the rest of the year. I see him just a few times a year.
I had stopped writing the emails, I didn’t know what to write.
My son, I am so proud of him, he attends Penn State
I suffer from depression, which I have battled daily since I was a child, before they even understood depression — not that they do now. I knew that the rest of the winter would be difficult, so I learned everything I could about the recovery period and made plans to help cope.
I signed up for a class at the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine. The ‘Mind Body Program for Cancer’ was part support group and part coping lessons. There was a yoga class offered at the center, I signed up for those too. I still went to QiGong and acupuncture. Each day of the week had one scheduled event.
More hair!
It was too much. I couldn’t sleep and found my best sleeping hours were between 5AM and noon. I was late for everything. The Mind Body class was by far the best use of my time. I learned that I was not alone. Most people seemed to have trouble sleeping. Many were exhausted all the time, too. We learned relaxation techniques and I started to sleep.
I had stopped doing yoga on my own after the third chemotherapy treatment. MGH is a 3/4 mile from my home, so while in radiation I walked at least 1 1/2 miles a day, usually more. Now, I found dragging outside for a walk near impossible. I gained more weight.
A loyal friend, a great hat and 3-D glasses at the movies -- does it get much better than that?
I had two anti-anxiety medications, one I have taken for years and another I was given for chemotherapy. It helped calm my stomach as well lower anxiety. I found mixing the two did both, calmed me and soothed my stomach. Eventually, I confessed this to my doctor; who told me this is very dangerous. A friend came over and we packed up all the medications I didn’t need anymore, went on a long walk to find the most disgusting trash can in Boston. My friend said that otherwise I would be tempted to go get it. Hours later I realized he was right.
Georgetown Univ basketball game - Obama was there too!
I read that red wine helped prevent cancer from returning. I gave up drinking soon after my son was born. For most of the past 20 years I didn’t drink. Suddenly, it was healthy! I started with gusto. I felt so much better. That didn’t last long, so I started taking my anxiety medication with wine — that was wonderful, but a lethal combination.
Why you should never dye your own hair -- much too blond!
In the meantime, I was contacted by Prosper, a company that helps people turn their financial lives around. At that point, I was considering giving up and going on disability due to my depression — I felt I had nothing to live for. The idea of creating a website about breast cancer to help women cope with the journey, was something I wanted to do and it gave me reason to wake up in the morning. I thought of all the things I learned on my journey that I wished I had known in the beginning. I paid for the course and started working. The website plan was to provide women going through breast cancer treatment with all of the information I wish I had known when I began my journey. Hopefully, it would also provide me with an income to support myself.
My coach, Nate, is very patient with me. I was managing to do the ten hours of required work and progressing slowly.
Then I sliced off part of my finger tip and lost time. A week later my brake line ruptured while I on was Interstate 93. I stopped by hitting the car in front of me, which hit the next car. I hurt my neck, back and shoulder muscles.
At Five Guys Burgers, being silly again
I was in pain and couldn’t sit in a chair long. I started physical therapy and began to heal. I have two adorable interns who closely supervise my physical therapy. We giggle often and I get through it. I asked them if they were trying to kill me, they said, “Yes, but very slowly.”
We had a water crisis in Boston. Afterward we were told to drain the dirty water from the pipes by running the water for 15-30 minutes.
Giggling at the drive-in movies
However, I forgot my bathtub doesn’t drain properly and flooded three rooms of my apartment in a matter of minutes. Everything was soaked, I couldn’t pick up anything because of my back injury. A friend, a professional flood company and I cleaned up the wet mess plus, the gritty sand left behind. Somehow we managed to laugh and be silly.
I met some amazingly strong women who are also self-employed entrepreneurs working on the Internet. We support each other via email throughout the day; ready to offer support when needed. They have helped me learn how to work at home, keep motivated and stay on task.
Hiking with great friends
My friends in Boston have been amazing. I was never alone. Facebook filled lonely hours. Before I started to work on my website, I played Farmville and other games with friends and family. We commented that this silly game provided an unspoken connection to each other. When I stopped playing, people said they missed me.
Life is never dull. It is all about how you react.
Vermont Memorial Day 2010
June 3, 2009 I was told I had cancer and it was “very serious.” A year later, on a Memorial Day Weekend trip to Vermont, I felt ALIVE again. I was told that I would most likely have an energy surge six months after treatment ended – but I don’t believe in surges — but wow it came!! I am operating at about 50% of my normal energy. If things go well I will be 100% ME again in six months, a year after treatment ended.
June 3, 2010 I posted this on Facebook:
One year ago today I found out I had breast cancer, six months ago I finished the active treatment. Today, I think I am the happiest I have ever been. I want to thank my friends, old and new, and my family for helping me get my life back. You all mean more to me than you will ever know.Through Facebook, I found comfort through my journey, again thank you.
19 people “liked this” I received the following replies:
- Your attitude and courage have been exemplary.
- Christine, we’ll always be there for you! Been such a great time reconnecting with everyone.
- I’m so glad to have reconnected with you Christine! You are an inspiration to me — how you have such a positive attitude about everything after going through a difficult period in your life! Keep smiling!
- Keep sharing your story Christine it is inspirational and can help so many others.(You look wonderful and Happy) That’s hard enough for us almost 50 year olds.
- Interestingly…I did not attend the reunion…however, through FB reconnected with folks from HS and rekindled friendships and started new ones. Largely, Christine, because of you and your posts and through your strength and your courage we come together to be with you and will continue to be here whenever you need a friend. People like to be where the sun shines, so shine on sistah!!
- Your a Jersey Girl!, I knew you would be ok
- Happy Anniversary and Christine – I know the joy you feel – I am just 3 years ahead of you and you will celebrate each year – one year bigger and brighter than the last. Woot Woot!!!!!
- We all love you Christine
- Congrats! I know just how meaningful those two anniversaries are. Can’t wait to see you at the year out from chemo annv! What are you doing to celebrate/commemorate the dates? I went to the Mikva but I don’t think that is the right thing for you. LOL.
- Congrats Christine. Strength, peace and prayers to you.
- All that strength and love from your Bulldog family!
- Your good attitude has everything to do with that. Good for you!
- You are a true survivor Christine!
- Your strength is amazing. Keep up the fight! I sure physical therapy assists in the motivation.
- I’m with you, stay strong.
- Hey Christine- The first of many Happy Anniversaries! You are an inspiration to all of us and I am so happy for you. Like someone said, you’ve got the whole BULLDOG family behind you.
- Continued prayer always and abundant blessing!
Feeling good in Vermont.
Dearest Christine,
Thank you for your loving words. However, I think YOU are the one who deserves enormous credit for dealing with this heavy blow so well. The people at the hospital, your friends, your neighbors and your family are all in admiration of you and your fantastic attitude and strength.
It was a very tough year and I hope this next one will be the opposite.
Lots of love, mom
June 5, 2010 I wrote my Dad and Step-Mother.
Dear Dad and Celia,
Today is awful. It is National Cancer Survivors Day. Two things bother me, that damn pink ribbon (in my logo the woman is bursting through the ribbon) and term “survivor.” I am not a survivor; I am still on the journey with 9 1/2 years of medication and testing ahead. Also, I still feel drained and exhausted from the chemo treatments, I still have 6 more months of recovery. Survivor? I think not.
A friend called and suggested I think of myself as “surviving.” He said I am working so hard everyday to heal that I should at least be able to accept that I am surviving. I am comfortable with that. I am spending the rest of the day with people who believe in me.
Love you
My Stepmother wrote back:
So that is my story. The bottom line is that I am happy, well and enjoying life. There will always be new challenges but if handled with GRACE AND DIGNITY — and a little humor — we can keep smiling as we go!!
sending...
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